Tuesday, December 29, 2020

Socks (and the Tangible Ways in which Humans Feel Connected)

December 29, 2020

A letter to my mother


Dear Mother,

I ordered myself some of those Lovely Annie socks, the kind you've been wearing for some years now. I chose to get black and red ones, although I think I have mostly seen you wear navy blue and tan-brown ones, maybe even a salmon pink version? They came in 5-packs, either a color variety or one specific shade. So now I have five black pairs and five red pairs of my own!

I am on a perpetual Quest for The Perfect Sock— socks that deliver comfort, warmth, breathability, endurance, style, and economy. The Holy Grail of socks, in fact. With the chilly winter temperature setting of our household, I am rediscovering the joys and warmth of knee socks.

I also bought these socks because of the name— who can resist "Lovely Annie," right? It sounds like a Gaelic folk song title, something our Irish ancestors would have crooned to their cradled bairns, or jigged to at a village wedding.

But I also bought some of these fine-looking socks because I’ve never found any other brand of socks with these peculiar textile flecks in the weave. You’ve been wearing these type of socks for long enough that I instantly identified their “look” with you. When the red pairs arrived this morning, I opened the package with a palpable sense of nostalgic comfort. This made me realize that I REALLY ought the socks because they remind me of YOU.

The moment I saw the rust red fabric with its speckled little pops of color, I smiled. I reverently opened the package. When I slipped one of these springy, accommodating socks over my foot and sealed the top under my knee, I felt like I was being enfolded in the comfort of my childhood Home. (Which is funny, because while you definitely wore knee socks when I was a child, I don’t think you had yet discovered these Lovely Annie ones.)

I am sure that the tactile embrace of the material, and visual connection of the socks with you, have combined to create a sacred, cotton-blend vessel of grace— a wearable sacrament of connectedness during a time of physical disconnect and pandemic-caused isolation.

I love the socks! They are so pretty, comfortable, and have an excellent fit. I don’t think they will be as warm as my wool socks, but I may wear them as an under-layer, WITH the wool socks... My feet get very cold these days.

But I also love the socks as an extension of loving you! It seems like I am seeing your feet right now, when I look down at my toes! (Although I had no idea that the red ones had such a nice bright seam embroidered across them! The black ones have a more subdued stripe of olive green at the toes, and I seem to recall that the tan ones and navy ones may be more conservative in color at the toe seams— maybe you can take a photo of YOUR feet along with some of your pairs, to send back to me.)

Maybe by some quirky, algebraically reciprocal, transfer of emotion the connectedness will flow back to you. Perhaps when you look down at your own feet, you will think, “Maura wears these socks now too.”  Thus humble cloth artifacts can convey the grace of love to both of us. Ordinary humble socks, transformed through association into a homely sacrament.

Love,
Demelza

#socks #love #fabric #familyties #humanconnections #home

Thursday, July 4, 2019

My Dandelion Love (poetry, erotica)

My Dandelion Love

(Written for a physically beautiful man with whom I had a physically beautiful, very brief affair.)

***

I love you like dandelions. 

No one plants them.
Unwanted on manicured lawns, 
People name them weeds, and 
Spray poison against them.

Oh please, look again! 
Round, soft, and fuzzy.
Full and heartfelt they are.
Golden and as brightglorious 
As your sudden, boyish, grin, your Mischievous eyes, your playful spirit.
The dandelions are wild and free,
A bit invasive, true, and unintentional.
Their pop of color gives interest 
To the unrelenting green spaces.

Children make dandelion wishes, and gently Blow the wisps along the wind. They 
Float and land where they will.
The cycle of yellow continues.
Beauty unencumbered, sturdy, innocent.

My love for you has sprung up just as Unplanned, from chance-dropped seeds.
I silently whispered "I love you, love you, 
Love you" into the soft fur of your chest and Your lovenest of curls; the nips I gave your Skin were love-bites. 

I will not tell you this truth, afraid my Wildflower love will be plucked out, Unwanted, root and stem tossed aside--but
My dandelion love is full and has blossomed Quickly for you.
Like the summer, it may not last long, 
But oh! Look again at the dandelions! 
See them shining like little suns.

Sweetling, sweetheart, darling, honey,
You beautiful man--all the things 
I cannot lovecall you.
Let me hide away this unintended love, 
Lest it be rejected.
(But the last time we fucked, 
I was making love.)
Do not fear my dandelion love.
No demands will be made,
No comparison with your 
Garden flowers of longstanding stability.
This changes nothing.
I expect nothing,
Except aureoles of love to be blown out,
And fly away,
And bloom, in unexpected places.

#poem #poetry #erotica #eroticpoem #affair #love poetry

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

The Apple of My Eye, Who Didn't Fall Very Far from the Tree

May 23, 2017


The Apple of My Eye, 

Who Didn't Fall Far from the Tree


My beautiful 15-year-old daughter is terrible about cleaning up after herself. I frequently find myself tidying up behind her, loading her crusty dishes into the dishwasher, and sweeping up after her mud-laden forays into the woods near our house.


Tonight, after coming home from work, I wearily put away the garlic-and-herb cheese spread she'd used, closed up the cracker box, swept up the crumbs, and wiped the counter clean. I sat down to read the newspaper. As I turned the pages, my right hand and wrist became coated with what seemed like a fragrant, sticky, white unguent that spread to my sleeves. The knife that she had used to spread the cheese had been tossed onto the newspaper. Big globs of schmear had been camouflaged all over the front section, only to be transferred to whoever tried to handle the pages.


My right hand, wrist, and shirt sleeve were covered in pungent, garlicky camembert. Yuck!


I marched up to her room with the gunky paper and cheese-encrusted knife in tow. She was skyping with her friends.


I stood in the doorway, holding up the newspaper in one hand as evidence, while brandishing the besmirched butter knife in my equally besmirched right hand.


"Yes, Mother??" She asked, in a classic, teenage snarky voice. Her friends paused in their conversation.


"Do you think," I asked her--in an equally obnoxious, long-suffering mother tone of voice--"you could remember to put things AWAY in the future??"


She rolled her eyes. It was a theatrical moment, with her role being performed for the audience of her peers. She was the long-suffering, teen heroine, being pestered by the Nagging Mom. The eye-rolling goaded me beyond belief.


I leapt forward into the room. In a most unexpected, highly dramatic maneuver, I wiped the knife blade onto the skin of her right thigh, once, twice, three times-- spreading three blobs of gooey cheese onto her flesh, while her eyes widened in surprise. 


In utter disbelief, she exclaimed, "You cunt! You cunt! You CUNT!" She scuttled back, crablike, carefully trying not to transfer this semi-liquid cheese from her leg onto her laptop.


My mouth grew tight with a deeply primal satisfaction as I stepped back towards the doorway. She shook her head as she tried to use tissues to wipe up her thigh. 


It was a sublimely ridiculous situation, and we were both aware of playing to an audience. The teen viewers, stunned into a silence for a moment, began to laugh.


My daughter and I looked at each other, and we also began to laugh hysterically. I bowed to her, and took my grimy arm, and dirty knife downstairs to wash off. I could hear excited chatter from the tinny computer speaker; behind me, her door slammed shut in what must have been a very satisfying gesture for her.


In a deeply primal way, I also felt intense satisfaction at how I had handled my grievance. It was utterly childish, intensely immature. And yet, when had rational, traditionally maternal requests to clean up been heeded?


I believed that on some level, she understood that I had meant everything in loving jest. I certainly understood that her epithet of "cunt" had been lovingly meant.


If you'd asked me ten years ago--or even three years ago--if I'd have been laughing hysterically at my daughter's repeatedly calling me a cunt, in front of her friends, while both of us giggled...I'd not have believed it possible.


Did I expect to be the kind of mother who smears garlic cheese spread all over her daughter?? If you'd told me that ten years ago, I might not have believed it, either.


My daughter is fierce and funny and outspoken. She is the perfect daughter for me, and I guess I am the perfect mother for her. 


She is growing up to be a strong woman who knows how to balance play and work, and who is like the glue in her friendship circle. She is helping me find my own balance in life, too.


I love my daughter so much.


***


January 20, 2021 


Postscript: Gradually, over time, she has become the sort of young woman who cleans up her own cheese spread and crackers. We've come through much worse moments, and many of them have been much less funny, and felt much less loving on both sides. 


I still think she is the perfect daughter for me, and I am still full of pride and joy that she is my daughter.


#motherdaughterstrife #motherdaughter #teendaughter #bitchmother #cunt #motherlove #daughterlove #strongwoman #strongwomen #love #parentingfail #parentingsuccess #messydaughter #angrymama #teenlife #parentingateenager #midlifemom #mymomisabitch

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

25 Benefits of Sleep

 

Twenty-Five Benefits of Getting Enough Sleep: 

A Personal Reflection on Sleepiness, Consistent Bedtimes,

and the Need for Enough Sleep; Listed In No Particular Order; 

an unfinished draft to persuade my subconscious to get to bed!

For years I have been trying to improve my sleep habits. Like many others in my family of origin, and also my sons, I am a confirmed night owl. 

According to my sleep doctor, I am in the 15% of the population who struggle with Delayed Onset Sleep Syndrome (also known as Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, or DSPS); another small percentage is extreme early birds, with the rest of the world having "normal" sleep hours. (American Sleep Association) 

As a person with an ADHD brain, I've always found it difficult to shut down my thoughts and go to sleep. And as a person addicted to my technology and social media, it is hard to shut down the screens at night--and screens can cause additional wakefulness. If they don't have to wake up at the traditional time for work or other reasons, people with DSPS actually can achieve adequate rest on their own terms--just a bit later than most people; for me, some of my obligations require conforming to society's hours.

The sleep doctor actually recommended a few things to help move my sleep cycle to conform to conventional hours--which would be helpful for my family, my work, and my social life. Apparently it would also be beneficial for my health. The most common practice is to gradually shift the bedtime a little earlier each day--which is what I have been doing.  

1. Relationship Between Lack of Sleep and Obesity

Numerous studies have shown evidence that either too little OR too much sleep is a problem for obesity. (Patel) Scientists have not figured out all of the causal links yet. Apparently people who get between 7-8 hours of sleep are more likely to have a healthy height-weight, whereas people with either fewer than seven or greater than nine hours of sleep on average per day are more likely to be obese.

2. Sleep Helps Regulate Appetite, Through Hormones

Leptin and ghrelin are two of the primary hormones discovered to control appetite and hunger. 

Ghrelin increases appetite, fat production, and growth, while leptin is an inflammatory agent. 

Leptin is sometimes called the 'satiety hormone,' while ghrelin is nicknamed the 'hunger hormone.' 

hen sleep deprivation occurs, these hormones become imbalanced in the body, leading to difficulties with regulating appetite and hunger. (Prinz)

3. Leptin Imbalance --Through Sleep Deprivation--May Lead to Autoimmune Issues

According to some promising studies, an imbalance in the hormone leptin can cause inflammation in the body, possibly even leading to autoimmune diseases or causing them to have greater severity of effect. Some evidence--although not conclusive yet--implies that possibly getting more sleep may be effective at reversing some of the damage of autoimmune illness. (Prinz) 

From a personal point of view, this is exciting news, because I have UCTD--undifferentiated connective tissue disorder--and when it flares up, I have skin troubles, eye troubles, joint pains, and severe fatigue. If getting more sleep might help avoid flares of my UCTD, then sign me up now!

4. Staying Up Late Means More Late-Night Snacking

Based on my own experience, when I stay up late, my poor sleep-deprived body begins to crave nourishment. I am certain that what the body really needs is sleep, but since it isn't being given sleep, the next best thing to provide instant energy is food--especially carbs and sugars. 

The longer one stays up, the more time there is to raid the pantry--and the choices one makes late at night are generally poor ones, nutritionally speaking. It is actually a classic Weight Watcher strategy to go to bed early--just to limit one's interaction with the refrigerator. When one is asleep, one is usually not eating.

5.  Sleeping Traditional Hours Leads to Easier Work/Social Interactions with Others

My daughter must wake up at 6 a.m. for middle school, while my son must wake up at 7 a.m. for high school. Right now, I get up and make sure they are awake and moving, and then I crawl back into bed and fall back into a comatose state. 

In a more perfect world where I am better-rested, I would be staying awake with them and interacting with them. There is only a limited time period where my children will be at home, and those morning hours theoretically could be precious ones…if I were awake enough to savor them.

In general, most work environments have early start times, which is made difficult by a late-night bedtime. I have always had trouble waking up, and struggled with exhaustion during my workday. When younger, I would always be late to work--because I was so tired and had trouble getting up in time.

6. With More Sleep, One is Less Grumpy

Lack of sleep causes grumpiness. It is not just Garfield the Cat who experiences this. My favorite personal anecdote to illustrate this comes from my college years. In my senior year at college, I was in a suite with two other women. We each had our own very tiny bedroom, and a larger common area with a couch and chairs. In the mornings, my suitemate Penelope would chirrup out a melodic, "Good morning, Demelza!" as she passed me on the way to the bathrooms. I would glare at her.

One morning, she complained that I was being terribly rude in my response each morning. I explained that as an extreme night owl, I was having a very difficult time just getting functional each morning so early. (My own fault, really, for choosing to take "Baby Greek" during my senior year--the intensely difficult, Ancient Greek 101 course taught by notable Bryn Mawr Professor Mabel Lang.

Penelope and I agreed that in the future, to avoid offending her with my perpetual grumpy rudeness, she would continue to sing out her cheery good morning to me, while I would WAVE my hand to her. She would understand my wave to be shorthand for "good morning, Penelope." For the remainder of our senior year, whenever I would wave my sleepy good morning at her, Penelope giggled. Eventually, I would giggle, too, and a happier morning interchange was the result.

Penelope will be shocked if I become even remotely more of a morning person.

7. With Too Little Sleep, One Experiences "Brain Fog"

 

8. Driving Sleepy is Exactly as Bad as Drunk Driving

It is well-known how terribly driving while drunk impairs one's ability to function, but driving while drowsy is equally dangerous. (CDC website) Falling into a microsleep while driving can lead to car crashes.

I have no desire to cause the death or injury of any other people, nor my own death. Because of my chronic sleep debt, I often get sleepy when driving, and usually resort to such inadequate arousal methods as opening the windows, eating snacks, singing, pinching or slapping myself, and taking frequent breaks. 

Usually I start to have trouble staying awake after the first hour of driving. Interestingly, since changing my bedtime hours (and getting more sleep, even though not as much as my ultimate goal), the last couple of road trips I've taken have been noticeably easier in terms of alertness on the road. If getting to bed at the conventional hour on a consistent basis can help me to once again drive on longer road trips without falling asleep, then that will be well worth the effort.

9. Being Chronically Sleep-Deprived Leads to Falling Asleep at Inopportune Moments

Here again, my history has been one of always falling asleep at the worst time. Since high school--which is typically when sleep problems begin, right at puberty--I have fallen asleep in class, during lectures, at assemblies, at church, in concert halls, in movie theaters, watching television with family, during staff meetings, and even when at an important client meeting. 

It has become so chronic and humiliating for me that I tend to avoid situations where I might fall asleep. Most likely it is because of the massive sleep debt that I am so prone to falling asleep so quickly. (It is possible that I have a mild version of narcolepsy; the sleep doctor actually wants me to be tested for it, but I haven't managed to make that appointment yet.) So it will be interesting to see if this problem is helped with the new, improved sleep patterns, and more sleep overall. It does take a very long time to recover from a chronic sleep debt.

10. Concentration & Focus are Helped by Adequate Sleep

 

11. Social Interactions Go Better If One Isn't Yawning All the Time

 

12. Productivity is Enhanced by Adequate Sleep

 

 13. Sound Sleep Can Enhance Athletic Performance

 

14.  Chronic Sleep Deprivation Puts One at Risk for Stroke

 

15. Chronic Sleep Deprivation Lends Itself to Heart Disease

 

16. The Diabetes-High Glucose-Lack-of-Sleep Connection

 

17. Sleep Helps One's Immune System Fight Off Infections

 

18. Depression is Linked to Lack of Sleep

 

19. Dark Circles Can Develop with Inadequate Sleep

 

20. Your Skin Looks Better with Proper Sleep

 

21. Lack of Sleep Can Trigger Microsleep Incidents

 

22. Tragic Errors Have Been Caused by Inadequate Sleep

23. Learning is Enhanced with Enough Sleep


24. Emotions are More Stable, Less Labile, with Adequate Sleep

25. Better Rest Leads to Better Sex

26. Getting More Sleep Means More Time to Dream of a Special Someone…

While lucid dreaming--dreams where the dreamer has some conscious control over the dream content--is a difficult thing to learn, some people claim that it is possible. While this is a controversial topic, according to lucid dream proponents, one can influence one's dreams. This sounds a little flaky to me, but I am willing to suspend my disbelief if it means I might be able to spend more time, while asleep, dreaming of a beloved person.

 

 

  1. American Sleep Association. "Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome." September 2007. https://www.sleepassociation.org/patients-general-public/delayed-sleep-phase-syndrome/. 3/28/2016.
  2. Brogaard, Berit. "Lucid Dreaming and Self-Realization." Dec. 4, 2012. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-superhuman-mind/201212/lucid-dreaming-and-self-realization. 3/27/2016.
  3. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "Drowsy Driving: Asleep at the Wheel." Nov. 5, 2015. CDC website. http://www.cdc.gov/features/dsdrowsydriving. 3/27/2016.
  4. Patel, Sanjay R. and Frank B. Hu. "Short Sleep Duration and Weight Gain: A Systematic Review." Sept 6, 2012. Wiley Online Library. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1038/oby.2007.118/full. 3/27/2016.
  5. Prinz, Patricia. "Sleep, Appetite, and Obesity—What Is the Link?" Dec. 7, 2004. National Institute of Medicine, NIH. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC535424/. 3/27/2016.
  6. https://authoritynutrition.com/10-reasons-why-good-sleep-is-important/

Friday, January 27, 2012

Anglophile's Delight: Poldark! A brief book review

1/27/2012 

 Just discovered the Winston Graham and Poldark Literary Society! Wahoo! A place to indulge my Poldark inner FanGirl! My screen name comes from the heroine of the Poldark novels, Demelza. (The “sleepless” part comes from my nocturnal ways…) 

 Anyone not familiar with the fabulous historical novels by Winston Graham is in for a treat. Set in 18th century Cornwall, the first book, Ross Poldark, introduces our brooding hero, and his tumultuous life as he kicks against the societal rules of his era, copes with the loss of his first sweetheart, struggles with economic hardships in mining and farming, and discovers the irrepressible Demelza, the urchin he rescues from poverty. 

Over the course of the series, the readers will fall in love with Ross and Demelza, but also with Cornwall! So Anglophiles be warned, these books will enflame your desires to go to England! 

 The first seven books were made into a wildly popular miniseries in the 1970s in England, which is how i came to find them. As an 11 year old, I watched them with my mother on our miniscule black and white tv, and became an instant convert.

Update
1/20/2021

Many years later, a reboot of the Poldark miniseries happened, and now there are oodles more Poldark fans out there, than there were in 2012. I guess I should confess... I have not yet finished watching this newer version of Poldark. I started watching it, and loved it, but life got busy, and I developed a concentration problem that caused me to struggle with watching ANYTHING longer than about 15 minutes long-- or reading anything sustained, for that matter.

So I have yet to finish the newer television show. Something to look forward to... 

Meanwhile, even though my reading abilities are still greatly diminished, I stand by my prior belief that the Poldark saga, in book form, is brilliant, and well worth a read.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Blogging baby steps

My first attempts to blog happened in 2005-2006, after the death of a dear friend and mentor. The grief was devastating, and I used a now-defunct blogging platform to explore my feelings. It was cathartic-- up until the moment when the blog site shut down without warning, and ALL MY POSTS were utterly lost. 

I was such a newbie, I hadn't saved anything to any other site or in any other format. Not so much as a WordPerfect document. This was rather demoralizing, although a very vivid way to learn the crucial lesson of ALWAYS SAVE YOUR STUFF in multiple ways.

In January 2012, I created this blog within the Googleverse. I was a busy mother, working part-time, and didn't know how much sustained effort I could dedicate to it. It turns out-- not at all!

I dabbled a smidge on Tumblr, back when Tumblr didn't censor as much; when the site tried to clean itself up, I lost interest and removed my account. Most of my content had consisted of some small paragraphs about erotic topics-- nothing I felt I could use under my actual identity. I moved everything relating to erotica or sexuality over to FetLife, under an alias, of course, where it remains to this day.

I have many varied interests, so part of my dilemma has always been finding my "voice," and my "theme." The first blog was really just about "grief." The Tumblr and FetLife platforms housed anything having to do with "sex," "kink," "sensuality," and "erotica." 

Sticking to just a single topic sounds so... limiting. Boring. As a person with ADHD, I knew my motivation would be crushed if there was zero novelty to my topics. I have a wide range of interests, and life throws a wide range of curve balls at us, so why not figure out a way for my blog to encompass an equally wide range of subject matter??

The problem, of course, is that that is probably no way to attract a dedicated audience.

#bloggingnewbie #blogbaby #midlifeblogger #genxblogger #blogstory #bloghistory #blogtopic #adhdproblems #adhdissues #findingyourvoice #findingmyvoice #mommyblog #howtostartblogging

Socks (and the Tangible Ways in which Humans Feel Connected)

December 29, 2020 A letter to my mother Dear Mother, I ordered myself some of those Lovely Annie socks, the kind you've been wearing fo...